Screams, Gunshots Bring Police to TV Program

The police were called to a house in Memphis when a man inside a house had his television up too loud. The neighbors called the cops because they heard screaming and gunshots… What the hell? LOL.. you still have to wonder how many times this actually happens...
http://www.mercurynews.com/weirdnews/ci_12201756?nclick_check=1

Man Attacks Police with Battle Ax, Sword, and Knife

Apparently he was in a hotel in Panama City when hotel employees called the police because the guy was acting strange. When police showed up the guy threw a battle ax and a knife out the window at them and then locked himself in the bathroom with a sword. When police finally got to him, he was unconscious and taken to the hospital, but he will be charged for aggravated assault on a law enforcement officer. He must have been on acid or something…
http://news.aol.com/article/man-tries-to-attack-cops-with-ax-knife/441385

Bag of Poo Sent Home in Kid’s Backpack

The father of a kindergartener in Washington State says that his kid came home with a piece of shit wrapped in a brown paper towel with a note that read “This little turd was on the floor in my room.” He said that the teacher had contacted him a week earlier about her room stinking and the possibility that the kid may have had an accident and he said that it was possible because he has had previous accidents before. The teacher and principle are being questioned about the incident… I think that maybe the kid should be in special classes… or be forced to wear a diaper to school.
http://news.aol.com/article/bag-of-poo-in-backpack/441814

Dry Cleaner Ninja Robber

A man dressed as a ninja carrying a sword in a sheath attempted to rob a dry cleaner. First, he walked up to a convenience store where the clerk called the cops as soon as she noticed him. After he asked her if she was calling about him, he left and went to the dry cleaners. The cashier at the dry cleaners told him she couldn’t open the cash register so he left. Police are still looking for him. Sad… but funny…

Bra Reflects Bullet

A woman looked out her window as her neighbor’s alarm went off and was shot at by the burglar suspects. The wiring from her bra reflected the bullet and didn’t penetrate her skin. Crazy…
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/30354902/

Teen Shits on Himself After Scared by Deputy

A deputy was sitting in his own personal vehicle with his uniform still on while on the phone with another officer when he noticed a 16 year old kid trying to break into his wife’s car. He waited till the kid came to his vehicle and then kicked his door out and yelled “'You'd better stop right there! Police!' I'm not kidding.” Then he heard the kid shit himself right before the kid started to run. Later, they found him at his friend’s house who was having a party and he had definitely shit himself. They said you could smell it all over him. I doubt the kid will ever live this one down…
http://www.deseretnews.com/article/705298541/Frightened-burglar-soils-himself.html

Idiot Wal-Mart Employee

This guy steals iPods and computers from his job and then posts them for sale on the employee bulletin board. What a complete idiot.
http://www.billingsgazette.net/articles/2009/04/21/news/state/40-walmart.txt

Scorpion Venom Helps Kill Brain Tumor

They knew that scorpion venom could kill brain tumors, they just had problems getting it to their target. Now, with the help of nanoparticles, they can cut the spread of cancer by 98 percent. It is still being studied, but pretty amazing. The full article as well as a video can be found at the following link.
http://www.ksl.com/?nid=148&sid=6221073

Guy Claims 24,466 of Partially Nude and Nude Images of Women on His Company Computer Aren’t His

The photos were classified in their own directory on his computer. What the hell… anyone who has downloaded a photo knows how long they can take. Who would take the time to download 24,466 photographs and then give them their own directories on his computer to set him up? Regardless, he’s asking for his job back and took it before city council… He won’t get it… at least I hope not. He’s an idiot.
http://www.ajc.com/news/content/metro/gwinnett/stories/2009/04/21/Norcross_porn_Williams.html

Perverted Guy Caught Outside Library While Staring at Children

This guy is sick… He was at a public library attempting to print out child pornography when librarians became aware of what he was doing. Then, they called the police. When the police arrived the found a book on him listing the names of children and acts he would like to perform (or had performed) on them. They also searched the place he was staying and found pictures, (pornographic as well as non-pornographic) and children cloths magazines. He was staying at a church! He told the police he knew he had problems and wanted to have sex with 5 and 6 year olds. He then told officers he was a sex offender, but was not found in any agency’s registries. Who knows? But now, police are looking into the names, pictures, and descriptions of the children they found. He also said he worked at Wendy’s… What the hell is wrong with people? He looks like a freak....
http://blog.nola.com/tpnorthshore/2009/04/man_arrested_with_child_pornog.html

Man shot; Life Insurance Refuses to Pay Because He Had Hepatitis

After a woman’s husband was shot in the back and killed, the life insurance company Settler’s Life Insurance refused to pay because he had a pre-existing case of Hepatitis C and the disease was a deal breaker. What the hell is this? If the hepatitis didn’t kill him, she should still get the life insurance. Needless to say, she’s taking them to court. I would too.
http://www.courthousenews.com/2009/04/21/What_s_a_Pre-Existing_Condition_to_Murder_.htm

Woman Gets Leech Attached to Her Eyeball

An Australian woman was outside and flicked some moist soil along with a leech into her eyeball. The leech then hid under her upper eyelid. To get the leech off, they used a saline solution that is used for people who lack salt in their blood… They also said that it happens more than you’d think. Gross… http://www.news.com.au/story/0,27574,25361409-13762,00.html

Woman Sues Stores; Claims Homeless Man Beat her.

A dumb lady is suing a McDonalds and a liquor store for $2 million in damages. After leaving the McDonald’s, she offered a bum who had just left the nearby liquor store a hamburger. Then, when he threw it back at her saying he wanted money instead, she called him an “ungrateful bastard.” Then, he chased her down and broke her nose, fractured her wrist, cheekbone, and cracked one of her ribs. She’s suing the stores claiming that they did not provide a safe environment for their customers… The owner of the liquor store asked the guy to leave, so he went to the McDonalds. I honestly think it’s her fault for trying to feed a drunken bum and then cursing at him. You should have enough common sense to know that if he’s a bum there probably is something mentally wrong with him and you should just leave him alone. I honestly do not see how this is the store’s fault. Maybe they should just install a sign in the parking lot that says “Please don’t feed the bums.” http://tennessean.com/article/20090421/NEWS03/904210340

Nacho Libre

Better be careful or he's gonna beat your ass.

Man Sues Police for $125; Walked Home in Pajamas.

An ex-firefighter was forced to walk home from a gas station after he was taken into custody in his driveway. He was said to have been an innocent bystander in an investigation involving a man who had crashed his car nearby. Police forced him to the ground, handcuffed him,put him in the back of their vehicle, and took him to a gas station where some gasoline had been stolen. They left him in the back of the police car for about 20 minutes and then released him to walk home in his Pajamas. He is suing the departments and officers involved. I hope he gets it... the cops sound like real assholes.
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,516974,00.html

Economy Hitting Hooker Industry

According to the article, even hookers in Germany are offering discounts because of the recession. "Flat fees and two-for-one deals often include free snacks for tightwad johns." How about some complementary peanuts to go with your bj? Article can be found here. http://www.thelocal.de/society/20090417-18699.html

Woman Tapes Boyfriend's Dog to Fridge

In Colorado a woman duct taped her boyfriend's dog upside down to the fridge because he refused to get rid of it. Now her stupid @$$ is facing felony cruelty charges and drug possession. She must have been high when she came up with this idea. Full article can be found here. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/30268724/

Teacher Takes Students on Field Trip to Strip Club

A dumb @$$ 47 year old teacher in southwest Ohio resigned after acknowledging that she had taken 4 of her female students to a male strip club. She told officials that in an email, she had gained permission from the student's parents. The girls were only 17 and 18... I am wondering how they were able to get into a strip club in the first place. Aren't those places suppose to be at least 18 and up? (some of them 21 and up) Anyways, I am sure they had a fun time, but I doubt it was worth it...? The teacher taught marketing and use to be a cheer leading coach for the districts 8th graders. Full article can be found here http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/30268724/

Woman shot in head, asks deputy if he wants some tea!?!?

A Mississippi woman was shot in the head by her husband, but that isn't the surprising part. Her husband returned to their house while being sought out by deputies who were trying to find him in order to give him some documents. The documents contained orders for him to stay away from his wife because of some domestic violence charges he had received. Upon entering the house, he found her lying in bed where he shot her. After shooting her in he head, he exited the house where he then shot and killed himself. When deputies arrived, she had a rag on her head and had made herself some tea. She asked the deputy "What's going on." and then asked the deputy if he would like some. Apparently, her husband had managed to shoot her in her forhead with a .380 caliber handgun, but the bullet managed to pass through the lobes of her brain and out the back of her head without causing any major damage. She is suppose to make a full recovery. Pretty amazing if you ask me. Full article can be found at http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/30268741/

Fake waiter tricks customers

Well, this guy is either really stupid or really smart. He entered two different restaurants and asked customers if they needed anything else before checkout. Then he walked out with their money instead of returning with their change. He only got $186, but that's pretty good for only having to ask two tables if they are "ready to check out". He was dressed for the occasion, wearing khakis, a yellow tie, and black buttoned down shirt. Full article can be found here http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/30282481/

Texican Whopper Ad

Apparently Mexico isn't too happy about this ad... They say that it misrepresents the Mexican culture and they are not happy about the little Mexican wearing their flag as a cape. I can see how it is offensive.. a short Mexican wrestler and a tall skinny cowboy...

Scientists Reveal Postnatal Test Tube Babies

Well, now they've done it. You no longer even need to carry the baby anymore. Instead, they are growing them completely in test tubes allowing women to avoid pregnancy all together. The cost of the babies range from $800 to $4,000 depending on race and randomly selected IQ. Pretty scary, if you ask me... (trailorparknews.com) I seriously searched for anything else about this and I could not find it... I am not completely sure they are a very reliable source.

Man tries to rob pharmacy with AIDS syringe

According to the article, a man entered a pharmacy with his hands in his pockets and told the clerk that he had a syringe filled with the AIDS virus and demanded Oxycodone pills. Clerks just argued with him and then he left, but was later arrested with the help of the security cameras. Police found syringes during his arrest, but they were empty. Seriously, if you're going to even try to take this approach to get pills, I would recommend trying the meth lab or something first. What an idiot. Full article can be found at http://www.wayodd.com/police-man-tries-to-rob-pharmacy-with-aids-syringe/v/10511/

Bill Murray Hits Woman In Head with Golf Ball

The woman was in her residential backyard near a Tampa Bay golf course when Bill Murray accidentally hit a golf ball out of bounds that came down and hit her on the head. She was quoted as saying, "All of a sudden I felt this explosion in my head. I thought I was having a stroke because I just felt something go off." Hahah... Despite being taken to the hospital, she was actually overjoyed by the experience. "He leaned down next to me, asked, 'How many fingers?' Then he just starts his comedy routine. He lifted my shirt. He gave me belly-tickles. He was great! If you're going to get hit in the head by a ball it might as well be Bill Murray, who is the reason I was out here to begin with." Murray, in response to her being taken to the hospital, said "They took her to the hospital and she's going to have plastic surgery done - get her ears pulled back and her eyes done." She also asked him for a signed copy of his movie Caddyshack. Later, her friends and family watched from her backyard while wearing hard hats... Funny situation... especially with her thinking she was having a stroke? LOL. I use to work at Caddyshack in St. Augustine and I never got to meet him, but I hear he's great. The full article can be found here http://www.wayodd.com/bill-murray-accidentally-hits-woman-head-with-golf-ball/v/10512/

Hooters Girls Beat Up Guy in Parking Lot

Apparently, two Hooters girls were sitting outside in a vehicle when this guy tried to sneak in. One of the girls slammed the car door on his leg while the other one called the police. After the police arrived, they found photographs of the girls in his car. What an idiot. The full article can be found here http://weirdnews.about.com/b/2009/04/20/hooters-girs-beat-up-guy-in-parking-lot.htm

Slumdog Millionaire Actress for Sale

The father of Rubina, one of the little girls from the movie Slumdog Millionaire, was arrested for accusations that he tried selling her for £200,000. He claims that the allegations are false and were reported by her mother in an effort to regain custody. The mother claims that the father and step-mother's only reason for gaining custody of the little girl is so they could sell her. I don't doubt it, but who knows... Anyways, this started a cat fight between the mother and stepmother. You can read the full article along with some pictures of the cat fight (woohoo...not) at http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1171857/Pictured-Family-catfight-allegations-Slumdog-Millionaire-stars-father-tried-sell-200-000.html

Joke for the week.

Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner. Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her mother what she wanted. 'Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.' Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into trouble at school and at home.. Carol's mother asked her if she thought she deserved to get a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought she did. Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her behavior over the last year, write a letter to God, and tell him why she deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write God a letter.




LETTER 1:

Dear God:
I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend, Carol

Carol knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very good girl this year, so she tore up the letter and started over.



LETTER 2:

Dear God:

This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you, Carol

Carol knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and started again.



LETTER 3:

Dear God:
I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good girl if you just send me a red bike
for my birthday.

Thank you, Carol

Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her mother she wanted to go to church. Carol's mother thought her plan had worked because Carol looked very sad.

'Just be home in time for dinner,' her mother said. Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She looked around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary,slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the street, into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down and wrote her letter to God.........











LETTER 4:

I GOT YOUR MAMA.


IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.


Signed, YOU KNOW WHO

Wandering Gray Wolf Found Dead or Drunk?

Hmm... the article says "Wandering wolf found dead in Colorado" I think maybe it just needs some Asprin and a glass of water. It doesn't look dead.... And if it is, couldn't they find a better picture than this? or at least try to push his ass down before taking the picture. Maybe he's having sex with the invisible man... or they're leaving it "as is" for a crime scene investigation... Maybe the new article will read "Gray Wolf Found Raped and Murdered". (I apologize to any animal activists, I just think they could have taken the time to find a better picture.)

Female Hairyness Health Warning

According to the news, women who are excessively hairy not only cause a choking hazard (hairballs) and aren't very attractive (to normal guys), but they also might have fertility problems. Maybe it's because they have too much testosterone? No...they say "polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) is the cause in 70% to 80% of cases." (worldnews.com) They say you should go see your doctor... I'm thinking.. hey, if you're this hairy wouldnt u go see the doctor anyway? I would hope so...

Breaking News???

According to WorldNews.com it is "Breaking News" that the EPA is to declare greenhouse gases bad for our health... wow, do you think? How the hell is this "Breaking News"? I guess before this news was released, people were lining up to stand over smoke stacks.

Rudd denounces people smugglers ...? Prime Minister Comes in Peace.

Wtf? The Australian Prime Minister at a conference "denounced people smugglers who set refugees adrift in rickety boats as “scum” and pledged to step up efforts to thwart them, after one vessel exploded at sea and killed three people." (http://www.irishtimes.com/newspaper/breaking/2009/0417/breaking26.htm) ... Apparently he's also a Star Trek fan????? Whats up with his hand...

Today's AOL News

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